Ideal families are rare.
In the real world of family dysfunction, the family dynamics are not always as apparent as one may think. Unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, the addition of narcissistic personality disorder can often go unspotted – especially when it involves the denials of family members of their loved one.
Nevertheless, narcissism plays a covert role in family dysfunction, and it eats at the very heart of a narcissistic family – every family member gets the role assigned to them, by the narcissist.
The Cast of Characters
If any one of the parents is a narcissist, their personality traits create a ripple effect that spreads throughout the entire family, affecting everyone.
For a narcissistic parent/spouse, their family represents two things:
- A status symbol
- Their source of narcissistic supply, flying monkeys
Since narcissists can’t live without a constant supply of drama, the family will eventually convert into a play with characters where the narcissist always has the lead role.
Every single person in a narcissistic family serves to fulfill the narcissist’s needs and works to quench the thirst for control. Whatever the day or event may be, a narcissist will make sure they stand in the limelight and soaks up all the attention. Since a narcissist makes sure their needs are served before anyone else’s, a hierarchy is formed in the family structure.
According to their desires, the narcissist creates a dysfunctional yet balanced family image that must not be disturbed, threatened, changed or questioned. There’s always a ‘scapegoat’ – the child who gets blamed for everything, a ‘golden child’ – who’s the favorite of the narcissistic parent, a ‘lost child’ – the sibling who acts as their narcissistic parent’s surrogate, and a ‘mascot’ – offering comic relief in the drama of the chaotic family life.
Overtly, families such as these present an outward appearance of the perfect happy family image, where the children are well-behaved and perfectly quaffed at all times, but they lack a true and meaningful emotional bonding.
Such family structures are responsible for creating children who grow up to be insecure, dependent, depressed, emotionally suppressed, and have low self-esteem. In some cases, the children will mirror their parents and develop the narcissistic personality disorder they had to endure themselves.
Trauma bonding is also commonly seen within these type of family dynamics where the children are so starved for any meaningful bond or touch by anyone that they find themselves in terribly unhealthy relationships due to a soulful emptiness. The cycle is vicious and complex.
If you believe you are one of the cast of characters in a narcissistic family, it’s best to get help early from a therapist before you start losing yourself in the whirlwind of your narcissistic parent’s manipulative needs – or worse yet – perpetuate the disorder for another generation.
Connect virtually with a clinician you “click” with and use that person as a healthy source of support and healing, it will help.