Gaining control over others and manipulating them is a major component of the narcissistic personality disorder. We know by now, dealing with a narcissist is never easy. If you are fortunate enough to have but one narcissist in your life, kudos to you and your skills to recognize and evade the others.
They’ll do their best to make you feel as if you’re responsible for their happiness and lack thereof. The guilt one may feel for not doing things as the narcissist demands, will often loom over your head and in your thoughts, as if they are a squatter who is not paying rent. They truly believe they are owed something by you and demand every accommodation to best meet their needs. The narcissist fully believes it is their right and you are simply a horrible human for having any set boundaries or worse yet, adhering to any type of court order (most often in co/parallel parenting situations).
Over time, as you develop the skills to cleave from their abuse, establishing and strengthening your boundaries and navigating their endless attempts at emotional abuse, you will see that your life starts changing for the better, and that’s when the narcissist snaps!!!!
What do Narcissists Do When They Lose Control?
A narcissist lives for their continuous narcissistic supply. This supply can come in any form, from securing a job, to getting a new/a next life partner, feeling financially successful, and mostly through treating others poorly or less than, to attempt to inflate their diminished sense of self-worth.
Narcissists believe themselves to be the center of everything, and their idea of a good relationship is controlling other(s) completely, which is how the narcissist in your life gets his/her narcissistic supply. Partners, children and colleagues suffer deeply because they can have no needs, triumphs, happiness of their own, it is all how the narcissist looks and how others can make the narcissist appear “better” than.
What happens when the narcissist has to live off the grid of control and manipulation?
Their narcissistic injuries unravel!!!
Some common signs you’ll see and experience through a narcissistic injury – when one is losing control over you:
- Rage and Tantrums: This one is extremely common and a clear sign that the narcissist is in a dire need of the control and attention they’re not getting. Similar to a 2-year old having a tantrum, and not being given what he/she wants, a narcissist without control will show out. They may have violently aggressive and/or verbal outbursts, even throwing and damaging property (how many phones have been destroyed…during their fits of rage???)
- Intense Devaluing Behaviors: Devaluing is the “go to” response, and always a part of any narcissistic relationship. When they can’t control you, they’ll start attacking you even more with comments of projection, negative criticism, incessant calls, texts, emails, damage to property, calls to family, employers, police and more. Another favorite tantrum technique is their attempt to defame and/or humiliate you in your neighborhood and/or workplace and to your own family (you may even want to consider forewarning neighbors, colleagues, family and the authorities, so they can keep their cameras rolling, pull a chair out and enjoy the narcissistic show!)
- Passive Aggressive or Suppressive Behavior: The silent treatment is a classic form of narcissistic rage when they hope to make you feel guilty and responsible for their unhappiness or latest displeasure. Don’t get trapped! Be thankful for the reprieve from their contact and tantrums.
- They’ll Stalk You: Leaving and ignoring a narcissist is never easy. Even after you’ve cut all ties, it’s likely that they’ll stalk each and every move of yours. Online, at work, sending “soup salad” text messages, one after another, vacillating from apology, or a token kind word, and back again to you are a horrible human/parent/colleague, all you are within a matter of minutes. They unravel in injury in the same chaotic fashion they live their daily life. A difficult and exhausting life, it is for the narcissist, day after month after year after decade of mental and emotional torment.
If being in a relationship with the toxic narcissist in your life is negatively impacting your mental health, don’t hesitate to seek help from a therapist who specializes in “Cluster B” personality disorders. There is most certainly hope and help available and you can free yourself from the tangled and toxic dance of being prey to any narcissist in your life. Call your virtual counselor and get on the road to happiness, because you are so worth it.