A single hostile email, text, or an unkind comment can leave you feeling vulnerable, emotionally overwhelmed, and at the verge of breaking down.
You’d either feel too drained to respond, or extremely angry towards the other person. But, what’s the best way to react? Would ignoring the comments or confronting aggressively put an end to the hostilities? Would you feel better after going through an emotional explosion? Or should you just turn a deaf ear to such statements?
BIFF is the technique you should go for!
What’s the BIFF Response?
A BIFF response can help contain the hostility directed towards you (and any and all family members they can put down, when you don’t take the bait of their last message), while at the same time leaving you feeling better about yourself.
BIFF stands for: Brief – Informative – Friendly – Firm.
- Brief (3 sentences, max!!!)
- Informative (skip over their insults and paragraphs of projection)
- Friendly (start with “Hello” and close with “Have a Great Day”)
- Firm (stick to the topic, only, not their bait loaded diatribe)
How to do BIFF responses?
First, make sure your replies, whether written or verbal, are brief. Doing so would leave the next person with much less to react to and the conversation wouldn’t be prolonged unnecessarily.
Second, whatever you’re saying make sure it’s factual information rather than an emotional reaction, opinion, or argumentative response. Remember, there’s no need to try and defend yourself when it’s someone else who’s being hostile. So, stay focused.
Third, add in a friendly greeting or closing, such as “hello”, “thank you”, “have a great day”, etc. It doesn’t need to be something too involved, just enough to keep the hostilities from surging further and getting out of control.
The last step is to be firm and concice. End the conversation before saying anything that’s unkind and mean, (don’t take the bait). No need to be harsh, just avoid saying anything that may invite further hostile comments as it offers them narcissistic supply. End the conversation in a calm and polite manner. You will undoubtedly receive a lengthy, and unnecessary rebuttle to any and every response, because you already know, the narcissist must have the last word, always. That is okay, because a majority of their hate filled and angry messages, do not require any reply at all.
Responding to hostilities in a decent way is challenging. Consistently utilizing the BIFF method ensures you model acceptable behavior, thus beautifully documenting the failures and narcissist rage. You are the one in control.